rediculous_kiss

Ah, yes. There is a symptom that I have, and it runs deep. This symptom is black as sin and pesticides my heart, until it grows weaker and weaker, until i am nothing but a shattered shell living lifelessly on somehow holding to the memories for comfort. She is my first love. And she has hurt me so many times. We have been through so much together, but at the end of the day Im usually the one who is either living in paranoia, or living in bloody heart central with bloody wrists and no one who understands. She is like a sickness you cant get rid of. She goes away for a while, but somehow, even after everything she has done to you, you cant help but want her back. I am still not immune to her. Is it my fault that I love her still? How can I still love someone after all this time, even though she has painted my world in darkness before? There is no easy way to say it. Im trapped. I mean, the door is wide open. Full of opportunities to run from it, but i stay. In fact, i lock myself in, and settle into the corner. No escape through my window tonight. Even if I were to walk through the open door I doubt I would stay away for long. I would probably try to sneak back through the window before she realized I was gone. Im probably losing you by now, that was a pretty tricky analogy. Her name is Jamie. For those of you that Do know her. You know that its pretty big thing for me to come out and say. Even now. She has always been a part of me. She is my vulnerability. I am my own worst enemy. I always say that I cant love her, because she will do me wrong again, but then i go behind my own back and start falling back in love with her. Its like a vicious cycle that i cant run from.

I also have a very vivid, wild imagination. My dreams have a certain intuitive that either reminds me of things that have happend, or tells me things that will happen. Its always graphic, and its always a shocker, and its always right. So like the roll I took part of in last nights charmed scene as Phoebe, which went well by the way, I can sort of see into the future. Everybody thinks that when I say that Im nuts, or it was just a coincidence. But it has happened numerous times. Like this one time, I like this kid named Luis alot. But I had a dream that him and this girl who was my friend named Olivia hooked up, and it was at her house and she threw him out afterwards, or something like it, it was a while ago.. getting bad memory. Lol. Anyway, turns out, It was spot on. Olivia told me about it within the next few days. It took me a while to comprehend that my dream came true, that i could actually predict the future.

Anyway, I had this dream a few weeks ago. It was sometime before Queer Prom night, that much i remember. It was where Jamie came over my house and Was crying and just a wreck talking about how her girlfriend broke up with her. This I thought was just a subconscious wanting, but now i see that it was yet again a heads up on what the future holds. Pretty freaky, I know, but its real. The thing is, I feel so horrible about what it did to her. She has been getting back into the habit of using drugs and alcohal to escape herself. Last time I remember doing that is when me and her were together. I was the one person who actually got through to her last time that actually said my shit to her. Drinking is bad! Smoking is bad! You can die! You're going to ruin yourself! I hate that shes going back into it. And I really need to see her, and try my best to help her, i feel like its my duty. Even though we're not close like we used to be, she is still very important to me, and I care about her so much. I cant help but throw myself in front of the train for her. I want to see her happy again, even if it means getting hit with the side effects. She needs an intervention. And when she gets back from her fieldtrip, believe me, she is going to get one.